ROBERT & I BROKE UP.
The raw video you are about to see or podcast you are about to listen to began as a video I recorded for myself to document my journey and my reasons why I am doing what I am doing. I knew I’d have to look back on it when I feel sad and maybe begin to question my reasons.
I recorded this on November 19, 2021, three days after I made a very big decision to leave Robert, a man I have loved for three years, after coming to the realization that I just can’t live a life that’s a lie.
In full disclosure, I truly believed I was bi my entire life…until the weekend of November 12th when I finally met the beautiful woman who I cultivated a very deep connection with for 44 days…this wasn’t a meet her and hookup thing. It was a real relationship with someone who is very special to me (and Robert absolutely gave me permission to do so).
I experienced “everything” with her, and on our third day together, I had a panic attack because a veil was lifted and I looked at my desire and heart honestly. When the truth clicked, there was no going back…I knew in my body and soul, I was never truly s*xualy attracted to men and I just didn’t know the difference before. (Hello, Comphet! Google it…).
As for romantic attraction, I truly believed I was attracted to men in that way, which would still make me technically bisexual — but even if that WAS the case, I now realize I have zero desire to ever have a romantic relationship with a man ever again. It was always platonic…and I never knew it until I felt the opposite.
Why? On Sunday the 14th, I had an awakening, a “Come to Jesus” moment that I cannot deny. To deny this realization would make me a liar. And I haven’t lied…I truly didn’t KNOW what it felt like to be in love with a woman, as I’ve only had crushes before.
I knew the moment this precious woman picked me up at the airport with flowers that something was drastically different in my tummy. I was too nervous to even turn to look at her gorgeous face and make eye contact. For the first time in my life, I wanted to touch a human, everywhere, and had to restrain myself. I’ve never felt that way before. These were butterflies of intense attraction to one another that I’ve never felt before with a man.
I simply never looked at a man like I NEEDED to devour him like a piece of chocolate cake…and here I was looking at a lady like I have never looked at a man, feeling things I never felt for a man, and my body responding in a way it’s never responded to a man.
By Sunday, I came to the devastating realization that I’ve only ever loved a man like a friend…my whole life played like a movie in my head, going fast, swirling, and pausing at evidence for me to understand I’ve always been this way. I had never felt s*xual desire FOR men, just a desire to connect sexually because — hello — libido.
What I can promise you though, is with Robert, it was DIFFERENT. Our relationship was better than any other I’ve had. For the first time in my life, I felt cherished and respected by a man. I felt SAFE. So yes, I enjoyed every minute of our s*x life — but again, I didn’t desire a man like I now KNOW in my bones I desire a woman. I simply didn’t know the difference.
With all this being said, Robert deserved honesty. So I sat with myself in panic from Sunday to Tuesday…came home…and Wednesday, the 17th, I told him the truth. I was about to say it out loud when he beat me to the punch. He knows me so well that HE TOLD ME THE TRUTH with a question mark. “You’re a lesbian, right?” I lay in the bathtub watching our entire lives for three years flash before my eyes. I saw every hope and dream burn up and I was the one who dropped the match. I felt my stomach get queasy with the abandonment he must be feeling. I felt sick for hurting him in the worst way. I also felt a weight come off my shoulders. I said it out loud. I spoke my truth.
This all happened so fast. Why? Not telling him after coming to the realization only 4 days before would make me a liar by withholding information — to him, to you, to everyone. Not telling him would be wrong because he deserves a woman who looks at him like chocolate cake. Robert understands and is grieving. I’m sad to lose our deep friendship too, but confident we can remain friends. We will never stop caring for one another.
So here I am telling you — I realize I am a lesbian …and I want to exist openly and proudly. Please show me grace. This has been a very emotional time. But I know in my soul, this is the only decision I could make that honors me, my truth, Robert, and the world.